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My favourite verse ..
"So he said to me,This is the word of the LORD to zerubbabel: 'Not by might nor by power
but by My spirit,' says the LORD Almighty. Zechariah 4:6"
God is Great...
A journey with my savior
Monday, October 19, 2009
Just when I thought I can guve up easily. Finally, putting it down... it becomes alittle hard again. Why is naysa so easily touched by small little stuff? I'm psycho-ing myself for every little actions given to me.. saying that its normal.. its normal. I'm not the only gal given this kind of treatment. Yet, the other side of my ears heard the oppsoite of what I think. Nope, naysa. You've decided to give up le. So, stand firm ok. I am so afraid that when I open up my heart once again, I will receive disappointments once again. I guess this is just my journey with God to train my insecurities. Please don't treat me nice again. If not, it will be difficult to pull myself out of this sticky situation that I stuck myself into.
5:37 AM
Sweet dreams with Jesus by my side
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
It’s been a long while since I last drop my words here. Perhaps it’s either just too damn busy or not wanting to be vulnerable. When it comes to writing, I just went speechless. Yet, many thoughts went through my head over and over again. Sometimes the repetitive words ringing in my head just annoys me and leaves me feeling like I’m suffocating. Dread stuck in this sticky situation. To move on or not to move on. Confusion all over the place, voice of truth getting softer and softer until it becomes muted. Yet, fearing that the truth in reality, hurts. Needing so much courage. Every type of courage. Big or small. Not knowing where else can you get that kind of courage. To stand up from where you fell. Yet, the real world is just so cruel. Aimlessly heading your life. To a place where it seems so far and dim. Not knowing what’s ahead of you and so forth. So uncertain, so uncertain. Felt so foolish to think that I actually know. Only to realize, that I knew nothing at all. I wish that at least I can live in this disillusion. Perhaps, it wldnt cause me so much pain and torment of my minds and emotions upon waking up into reality. I thought I had grown. I thought that just a few more laps and I’m off the race. Truth is, you have just stepped out two small steps. Realizing that you remains at the same spot. Its tiring to put on a mask to show that you are ok. In fact, you are not. Perhaps it may seems that I’m stress-free of exams burdens compared to the rest who are mugging out there. But, the fact that aimless life is deadlier than stress-free life. To the point where you are not able to identify your identity in Christ, to feel that what was told is just so contradicting to what you see in reality. Not being able to be myself much as I want to, I can’t. Because I fear. To be confuse over what you are good at and what you are not. Getting all fed-up with yourself for behaving certain ways, yet you cant help feeling this way. The impatience ruling over you, making you breathless. Inferiority and envying and jealousy adding on top of those to wear you even further. The struggles between your inner man and the evil man within you. Fighting a long long battle. Till you are kinda wore out. Why cant joy be everlasting? Why cant positivity last? Why is it so difficult to just take your own stand and once again draw your weapon and fight? Why doesn’t things the way you want it to be? Why must hindrances be a barrier? Why cant life just be simple and easy? I cant wait to scrap off these chanting in Jesus name. But it keeps intoxicating my minds. What do you really want, God? What do the devil wants? And what do I want too? Is this really me?
4:26 AM
Sweet dreams with Jesus by my side
